I Used to Judge the Guy Not Drinking

I used to judge the guy who wasn't drinking.

We were at a wedding, late in the night, when the shots came out. Everyone grabbed one except him. He just said, "No thanks, I don't drink," and in my head I thought, okay, boring.

I never said it out loud, but I had him figured out before the shots were even poured. Too serious, maybe dealing with something, maybe even judging the rest of us. It rarely crossed my mind that he just didn't feel like having a drink.

What it was actually about

Looking back, it wasn't really about him. I wanted everyone in the same round, at the same pace, because that made the night feel like we were all in it together, and his "no" quietly split it in two.

It was easier to call him boring than to admit he didn't need the rest of us to have a good time.

Then I became him

A few years later, I was that guy, not because of rules but because of experience.

The funny part is that I didn't say it at first. The whole first year, I kept it on the down low. When the shots came around, I took one like everybody else, with water in mine, raised it with everyone and hoped nobody noticed. I wanted to be part of the moment without getting the look.

I kept waiting for the night to feel flat, and it never did. I laughed at the same jokes, except now I actually remember them. I remember full conversations from start to finish, with all the little details I used to lose by midnight.

The guy I'd written off wasn't missing the night at all. He was in it, probably more than I was.

Someone can have a beer, someone else can have a non-alcoholic one, and we can still have a great night together. We don't all need to order the same thing. (It took me a while to stop explaining my own drink, too.)

Where I leave it

These days I just say it, "I'm not drinking," and I don't feel any shame about it anymore.

It used to be different. People would answer for me before I even had the chance: "Big morning tomorrow?" or "You on meds or something?" They were always looking for the reason, the same way I used to look for his.

Now nobody really says anything.

The guy not drinking was never the problem. I just needed him to be, for a while, and it turns out he was just early.

SP.